2/27/25 its been a while since my last site update, ive been preoccupied lately with a lot of emotional issues and the newest biggest update; finally quitting my job! i had been putting up with quite a lot, but after recieving a scolding about having a small notebook next to the counter while working, i realized just how bad this place actually was. i realized exactly why everyone else id worked with was so fucking mean; they had been beaten down too much and just taken it. i dont have any specific plans other than getting a new job with less hours and focusing more on my own personal life. ive been able to cut myself down so much when it comes to expenses- all i really want is to "cultivate" myself more, and spend my time in a more leisurely and worthwhile way, not letting myself ever get into another job where i feel that worthless again.

ive been keeping up with Us, and call me by no name weekly, and both of them are so fantastic they absolutely set up my expectations for the shows coming this year- in terms of quality and plot, its gonna be hard to beat them. theres been new pilots for other shows, and clairebell and lookmhee/sonya's new project harmony secret both look incredible. clairebell was one id really been anticipating, and the prison plot and camerawork both really intrigued me more than anything. with the coming shows- ive taken some mental trips back into the slash shipping of my past, and in the online past, and its made me seriously wonder where exactly the passion for wlw slashshipping went. my small involvement in the gl community, a new ao3 account, i keep wondering where the fuck it all went! the most i get to see now is obtuse complaints about how "annoying" shipping culture is; an irritating complaint thats permeated any fandom for years now and torn apart any real passion, and more importantly torn apart the wlw shipping culture that had only just gained some kind of footing with shows like warrior nun or person of interest if youre wanting to go back farther. you know what i still see though? plenty of het pairings; art fics whatever, thats all still there. unbelievable- even as ive seen the growing misogynist movements in online communities ive been in over the years, that is something i hate on such a strong level. MORE WLW PAIRINGS! NO MORE HET CRAP; IVE HAD ENOUGH! i remember when gap was announced in the first place, and the slow excitement afterwards- i still see the picture of the girl with a print of it on her wall on tumblr, but where is the excitement now? wheres the wlw pairings outside of anime fanart? its positively embarassing at this point how little credit is given to something people wouldve eaten up years ago. at the very least we can hope that more people will pay attention as things gain traction, and even if drama blogs are the only ones who look and make content; thats better than nobody at all.

i dont have much in way of other personal updates; ive honestly felt a kind of emotional "stunting" this month, that i really dont know how to control or understand. i feel a sense of drift, the routine of life just crushing me slowly while i work myself into patterns that i can just distance myself from mentally- what i think is relaxing turning itself into something else entirely. i need disruption, ive gotten entranced with eating health food lately because somehow the idea of a food thats new to me, drinking kombucha or eating food with no real taste, it makes me feel like im being brought back to reality. when things taste a little bad, a little more unpleasant than im used to, i get reminded that im human in the first place. i crave real disturbance, to be brought out of my shell by my own cracking- i dont know how anyone can live up here and stand the monotony for a single second. it breaks you down until you feel like worthless nothing, i want to blame it on depression or my environment but i dont want to blame whats already been here- i just want something NEW! i need the newness, or im never going to escape from here at all. these sporadic updates to my site at least give me something concrete to do; have you ever felt a longing for your computer? i spend so much time looking at pictures of other computers on pinterest - other setups or old web screenshots, and all i want is to hold my own computer in my arms and spend all my time on it.
when i spent some brief time in the objectophile community, it felt like that longing had a solidness to it, and i was able to really center my time around my computer and what it gave back to me, but ive felt that dissolve in a way that hurts me. i love the feel of computers so much, as much as i love my notebooks now i cant get enough of that solid, sturdy feeling of my vaio on my lap, like a dog. i thought to myself again "i wish i could give it the time it deserves", which is a thought that seems to crop up about seemingly everything else in my life as well. i wish i could spend more time on kpop, my hobbies, spend time drawing or knitting or sewing or writing fanfiction, but its like im cursed now to waste everything and regret it later. i did set up a small notebook for kpop scrapbooking, a personal project i was incredibly excited to start and only pleased once it was actually started; all i could really think was "how much am i really gonna need this?" - when the whole idea in the first place was to start needing it, how irritating of a thought to have repeat in my mind.

i dont want to spend all my time complaining though, i never enjoy that. im happy about the prospect of having a new job, even one that might be just as tedious, as long as i can have more time to myself- that is really what im looking for. i can pay my bills just fine, get along fine, but if i dont have the time to go out and do the things that matter i might as well be doing nothing at all. ive wanted to start volunteering at the lgbt center downtown for months, and the urge is even stronger than it was before. when i first mentioned that out loud, the immediate reaction from my dad (who, really, doesnt need to say anything at all about it in the first place i know) was "why???" and a scoff; and that had crushed me so much i let the idea sink into the back of my brain. meeting new gay people is my goal, helping younger gay people too. when i was 16/17, the idea of going there was so exciting and even getting to spend time at an event was fantastic, i crave that again- that sense of community that i need so badly. so much of my life is desperate wanting lately, its so exhausting.


1/21/25 i watched the second episode of the new jpn GL "call me by no name" last night, admittedly about three days late from when it was actually uploaded; and it was even more interesting than the last one. kotoha is very good at hiding just how much she likes meguchi, but there is still that elegant little sliver of desperation shining through, the way she leans into her without really leaning, making meguchi try and pull her out instead- knowing exactly what meguchi will do and enjoying every second of it. meguchi on the other hand, is even more interesting to me. i was really really struck by how disgusted and irritated she is with being called "nice", as if its a much worse insult than it is. for her, it may be, as a woman being "too nice" is right in line with being called stupid and naive, and i think she knows exactly what shes doing, moreso than anybody can guess whatsover. she enjoys the situation, even if she pretends she doesnt, and the flash of her thinking about just how much she enjoyed pinning kotoha was sooo fantastic; what a way to show just how not-nice she is.
i also watched the first episode of Us, that came out on saturday; and enjoyed that just as much. its been well anticipated among GL fans online, and it really lived up to the reputation it was setting up. the filming style was beautiful, the letterboxing-border a welcome change from the wide shooting typical of uploaded GL shows, that only serves to make them look as much like a webseries as possible. everything was lit well, and just overall looked incredibly 'elegant', the best word i can personally come up with to describe it. the story they set up was pretty standard for a gl, at least for the shows ive seen so far, but i am particularly excited to see exactly how badly things are going to be completely fucked up. i still love how intensely pluto managed to make things fucked up, an incestuous older sister trying to force her sister back home to be under her thumb; that was a high standard set for me (even if they managed to fuck it all up and give the two main leads a "happy ending", blech!). i particularly like pam, which among my peers in gl fandom is not that unique a favoritism, emi is incredibly beautiful- but im turned on more by just how boring and plain pam is; or at least how she appears. getting a boring woman in a GL is a special treat for me, a curt dentistry student who only wears loafers and plain, comfortable clothes- makes me feel like i just snorted a line.
i felt more like talking about these shows than my own emotions; but id be remiss not to open up a little bit again. yesterday was shit, plain and simple. mood swings during my period have been unbelievably bad, and yesterday i was told im not allowed to keep any writing notebooks near me while i work, which was reasonable but still sent me into an intense personal autism meltdown that exhausted me beyond measure and made me feel like the day was on fire. the evening was not much nicer, but at least i got to watch some of my shows. im still pretty angry and upset about that, but my stupid life must go on.

1/19/25 its been a couple months now, and its a new year! its exciting to have a first update to the site for 2025, and to start documenting my life in the bits i love to put on here. this year has started off interestingly- emotional and forceful, everything really flowing so beautifully and beautiful even when it stutters. the first month ive felt so playful and energetic, my whole body seems to be in tune, and i love the special attention ive started off with giving myself. my new years resolution was to live slowly, more than ive ever done before, and ive been working on an "analog" way of living recently, writing things down pretty consistently in an actual physical diary rather than online. its been a strange and eye opening process, letting me spend way more time with myself in a way ive never really done. ive been reaching for my journal constantly whenever i want to write things down, and ive been able to cut away from social media as a result, moreso than ive ever done before. i feel ive neglected this site, which i have, even if nobodys reading it; its as special to me as my journal is. i made a promise to myself at the start of the year to use it more, and write in it more, even if only every couple days. i have the time, and the energy now. i feel a lot more free, a lot less like im wasting my days doing nothing unless i really do need to do nothing. the time isnt getting away from me; im finally keeping pace without burning myself out.
i spent last night at a bar for the first time this year, and had a good time for at least the first part of the night. i talked to a girl- and even though she turned out to have a boyfriend i still really enjoyed sharing her company for a little bit of the night. a guy tried to talk to me, and made me uncomfortable and freaked me out badly enough i had to ask for help when he started touching my thighs and getting too close to me while i was getting dehydrated and sick. two girls helped me and sent me home, which i was really grateful for and couldnt even express cause i was too hammered to speak properly at that point. i fell asleep still dehydrated, and didnt eat anything until this morning; a nice long lesson in watching out for ugly creepy dudes and making sure im eating and drinking enough while i drink.
ive spent most of my time off at home lately, researching stationary and beginning to watch girls love series' again like i started and have been meaning to continue to do for years, which ive really really enjoyed. i feel like if nothing else ive been able to get in touch with myself more as a lesbian, which is an incredibly special feeling to me, and after last night its become especially clear how special women and loving them really is to me- i dont think id know what to do with myself without being a lesbian, or how to live without the love of women inside me.
my first "big" purchases of the year were a new porno magazine, one i picked especially; "premier milf: lolita special"- which i bought almost purely for the titling (and of the course the content, but not having it seen it yet, i cant make a solid judgement on that lol), and i finally splurged on a set of more of the "cream lemon" live action movies. after having watched the first one a while ago; the story of the brother and sister, i have been desperate to see the other films more than i can express. im sure they will be absolutely bewitching, just as excellently filmed and encapsulatingly beautiful as the first cream lemon was. in the months between, i spent some time finally looking on inbe kawori's site, as id been meaning to do for quite a while. her work i think is some of my favorite ive ever seen; the very best of japanese womens photography - something that speaks to exactly what ive been looking for and really wishing to see. ive seen bits and pieces of her work on tumblr, but actually looking through her work was so enlightening to me. my absolute favorite set i saw was one she did in 2005, "ハルノシラベ", that i thought about for weeks afterward. something about it was so unbelievably entrancing to me - a woman so perfectly alive and still in her own little perverted world. i thought over and over about what it could "mean"; about how this woman truly felt about the underwear she treasured so much, how she gazed at it with such beautiful and exquisitely captured admiration and longing(?).

her gaze is so transfixing to me, i came back to the pictures again and again just to look in her eyes. i wanted to meet her, maybe not to speak to her, but to share the air with her and maybe understand her that way. maybe i fell in love with her a little bit just from the picture set, but i think if nothing else that speaks to the immense spirit present in inbe's work. another set i enjoyed unbelievably, that i came back to almost as much as that first one, was "キャンディガールって何する人?", a set she did in 2012. these ones i feel i should show first, rather than speak about them first.

these pictures to me, evoke an almost alice in wonderland-esque universe, a world only this girl exists in, even if her computer evokes otherwise. this is her world, a world of pain-as-pleasure, release, and safety. she needs exactly what shes given herself, and i wonder just how big - or small, the room beyond what we see is, because at the same time i know it doesnt matter. shes serene and perfectly at peace, almost angelic in a universe of cutting and catharsis.

11/29/24 today was my birthday. i went out for breakfast and went to a korean grocery as a sort of "present", because it was all i had really wanted to do. i fell asleep when i came home. nothing felt special or eventful. i learned today that my favorite girl group had ended their contracts, and its sketchy whether or not theyll continue to do anything more as a "group", which was pretty painful to cope with. a disbandment but almost but not really, such is the way these things go. this news made me cry most of the day, like a rock had gotten stuck in my throat. it was embarrassing to cry in front of my dad about it, which felt much worse than anything else. how can i downplay what they mean to me? even after only two months with them in my heart, they had given me a happiness i hadnt felt in the years before, and im struggling to keep the happiness in my heart. i want to sob and cry, and feel anguished out loud like i do inside myself. i can only hope for things to get better from here, for them and hopefully for myself too. i want to cling to that love, and carry it into the future. i love fromis_9 very much, and the only thing i wish is that they couldve been in my life for longer, and i hadnt clung to fear and embarrassment that made it that much harder to love them. im making a promise to myself never to do that again, to love wholly and completely, and never dull my love whatsoever. i want the idols i love to be able to feel it themselves, and to properly carry my love for them with me.

11/26/24 i made yakisoba for dinner tonight, it was a day as easy as any other. ive become painfully aware of my caffiene addiction, and the way i need to have even a watered down energy drink to not feel like things are insanely difficult for me. its now 3 days befor my birthday, and i got myself a kpop seasons greetings and a new planner as a present to myself. there will be more, but those are the notable ones. i recieved some really lovely gifts from my friends, and i treasure them really greatly :) i love getting cds and books as gifts, though i wish it were easier for people to pick things out without me asking. nobody wants to do that though, and nobody really gets you anything unless they know what you want; which is a little frustrating sometimes. i love gifts, and fantasize often about getting surprise gifts that are especially thoughtful. the only person who gives me gifts that way is my dad, and i appreciate it all the same even if the gifts arent always exactly what i want or what ive been looking for. i cant take something that kind for granted! i love the practical things, and the things that show how thoroughly someone has thought of me. i actually really do dislike it when someone asks me what i want, even if i know and i want them to know. i wish people could read my mind, and not make me have to beg for things so pathetically. oh well!
i saw snow today, if only for a short amount of time while i was at work, and my coworker had even stopped me to tell me it had started snowing so i could see it, which made me so happy. it was beautiful for those fleeting couple of minutes, and i was glad to see it in all its splendor. i wish it would snow heavier, and i could see it pile up the way ive been waiting for all year. i want to watch it from inside, and make snowmen. i want to drink warm matcha and feel like its winter. im craving fatty things now, thinking about the snow; maybe im ready to hibernate.

11/25/24 things have been hard. things are always hard, life isnt easy to push through and its worse when you feel stuck in what you do and who you are. you wonder where things are going, what the hell any of the shit you do is for; and ill tell you right now - theres no point to it. its 5 days before my 24th birthday now, ive spent the past couple months swinging back and forth between some of the highest highs and lowest lows, allowing myself all of it as much as possible. all feelings i can get my hands on, thats exactly what i want. i want despair, and hope and joy and loneliness and sorrow and arousal and fear and elation. i love listening to my music, writing what i like and delving into all of it with my whole heart. hyeju asked on one of those stupid kpop idol apps what id like to achieve next year, and i hadnt thought about it before i saw that message; i never actually think enough about the future to make any plans. id like to work on this site as much as i can, and go to another state, i want to see and feel as much as possible. i dont know what the future holds for me, and even when i want to have hope it doesnt feel possible. what can i do? what is there to be done but keep living.

when you think about idols, its all in the name isnt it. you want to be like them, at least to some degree - you want the freedom and the passion and the drive, to have something to keep going for. thats all i really want in this world, to have something to do. i need something to keep myself going. maybe my birthday will bring about something new, maybe ill find something to start really living for, if not life alone. the new year will bring new movies, new music, new things to see and feel and walk into. theres a new sun rising, and its shining light on everything in this world. for better and for worse, i guess.

later in the day. i called off of work after my episode, only to experience another one during the day off. my body was paralyzed, and i was only able to shake as my mind raced. i wanted to call out for help, but couldnt muster the strength to say anything to anyone besides my dad. it was extremely painful. i still feel the weight of that on my spine, the intense terror and pain that knot itself in the middle of my back and didnt let me move. im scared about it happening again, and having nobody able to help me or even touch me to calm me down. i also made a japanese white stew for dinner, and it was delicious. i used chicken thigh, baby gold potatoes, and multicolored baby carrots. it was a bit fatty, and the broth was not very clear or white, but i enjoyed it and ate two bowls. next time ill use chicken breast, and just cut it small to reduce the amount of fat runoff and to make it lighter.

8/7/24 social media is slowly killing me, and i keep coming back to think about what can be done for this site, and how i should work on it, but i still feel creatively stifled and unsure of myself. its hard to feel free when ive spent my whole life scared! i have so many options, and so much limitless freedom, and its overwhelming in its intensity. ive spent more time lately on more obscure sides of the web, and thinking about just how many people out there use the internet beyond social media, how many old sites and message boards and old games are left behind. its inspiring and depressing at the same time. im sure other people wonder if their sites and internet places will be found, used, appreciated, if theyre ever going to be again or if theyll just be left behind. im sure i dont really have to worry about things like that, but if you dont have a social media following in this day and age, the things you make will most likely end up remaining underground. i guess thats fine for me though, nothing suits me better than niche. ill have fun my own way. some short term plans for the site include a dedicated diary log, an art page (for others, not myself, not yet lol), and some more work on review pages and shrines.

7/14/24 this will be the first official "update" for this page, and its contents. i plan to treat this website like my own diary and personal informational archive; sharing updates from my life and information about the stuff i love, be it in review format or just a desperate throwaway to try and get somebody interested. ive become slowly interested in the pirating/old web culture, and my interest in any modern social media has waned as my frustration with censorship has grown. im a fan of pornography and old movies first and foremost, and this has been the driving point of my very small dvd collection. i enjoy dvds a lot, and as many other dvd collectors can attest to in this day and age, it feels incredible to hold something in your hands that you know for certain You Own; that you can watch as many times as you want and nobody can hide it behind a paywall. ive particularly enjoyed procuring dvds of obscure japanese shows, ones where i cannot even find torrents of them online. theres a very specific kind of selfish satisfaction in it, when i can watch something like that and know im probably one of hundreds in the world that still has dvds of it. im still learning how it would be possible for me to burn these dvds and create torrents of them, but i will when im able to.

i have numerous plans for both the look of this site and its various sidepages, and i promise with time itll look a lot better than it currently does; but i need an outlet more than anything, so thatll remain the focus for now and ill come back and tweak things as time goes on. primitivity can be exciting, can it not :)? enjoy the possibility of new things that look a little ugly and unpolished; theres not much of it left!

as long as ive used the internet, ive aspired to cultivate myself; my image, into something exciting and beautiful. ive been shaped by my time here, allowed it to mold me instead of me molding myself. and i dont think this is wrong for me, but i hope this site can serve as a way to grow into something much more honest, more perverted, more uncomfortable for the people around me. i see the beauty in that kind of aspiration, in the way the web and everything on it can shape me same as it would if i had experienced it in real life. i want you here with me, let me show you who i am and who i can be and let me see the same of you （。々°）i love you and the terrible people we can be together.
i wont let you down, youre my friend.