11/29/24 today was my birthday. i went out for breakfast and went to a korean grocery as a sort of "present", because it was all i had really wanted to do. i fell asleep when i came home. nothing felt special or eventful. i learned today that my favorite girl group had ended their contracts, and its sketchy whether or not theyll continue to do anything more as a "group", which was pretty painful to cope with. a disbandment but almost but not really, such is the way these things go. this news made me cry most of the day, like a rock had gotten stuck in my throat. it was embarrassing to cry in front of my dad about it, which felt much worse than anything else. how can i downplay what they mean to me? even after only two months with them in my heart, they had given me a happiness i hadnt felt in the years before, and im struggling to keep the happiness in my heart. i want to sob and cry, and feel anguished out loud like i do inside myself. i can only hope for things to get better from here, for them and hopefully for myself too. i want to cling to that love, and carry it into the future. i love fromis_9 very much, and the only thing i wish is that they couldve been in my life for longer, and i hadnt clung to fear and embarrassment that made it that much harder to love them. im making a promise to myself never to do that again, to love wholly and completely, and never dull my love whatsoever. i want the idols i love to be able to feel it themselves, and to properly carry my love for them with me.
11/26/24 i made yakisoba for dinner tonight, it was a day as easy as any other. ive become painfully aware of my caffiene addiction, and the way i need to have even a watered down energy drink to not feel like things are insanely difficult for me. its now 3 days befor my birthday, and i got myself a kpop seasons greetings and a new planner as a present to myself. there will be more, but those are the notable ones. i recieved some really lovely gifts from my friends, and i treasure them really greatly :) i love getting cds and books as gifts, though i wish it were easier for people to pick things out without me asking. nobody wants to do that though, and nobody really gets you anything unless they know what you want; which is a little frustrating sometimes. i love gifts, and fantasize often about getting surprise gifts that are especially thoughtful. the only person who gives me gifts that way is my dad, and i appreciate it all the same even if the gifts arent always exactly what i want or what ive been looking for. i cant take something that kind for granted! i love the practical things, and the things that show how thoroughly someone has thought of me. i actually really do dislike it when someone asks me what i want, even if i know and i want them to know. i wish people could read my mind, and not make me have to beg for things so pathetically. oh well!
i saw snow today, if only for a short amount of time while i was at work, and my coworker had even stopped me to tell me it had started snowing so i could see it, which made me so happy. it was beautiful for those fleeting couple of minutes, and i was glad to see it in all its splendor. i wish it would snow heavier, and i could see it pile up the way ive been waiting for all year. i want to watch it from inside, and make snowmen. i want to drink warm matcha and feel like its winter. im craving fatty things now, thinking about the snow; maybe im ready to hibernate.
11/25/24 things have been hard. things are always hard, life isnt easy to push through and its worse when you feel stuck in what you do and who you are. you wonder where things are going, what the hell any of the shit you do is for; and ill tell you right now - theres no point to it. its 5 days before my 24th birthday now, ive spent the past couple months swinging back and forth between some of the highest highs and lowest lows, allowing myself all of it as much as possible. all feelings i can get my hands on, thats exactly what i want. i want despair, and hope and joy and loneliness and sorrow and arousal and fear and elation. i love listening to my music, writing what i like and delving into all of it with my whole heart. hyeju asked on one of those stupid kpop idol apps what id like to achieve next year, and i hadnt thought about it before i saw that message; i never actually think enough about the future to make any plans. id like to work on this site as much as i can, and go to another state, i want to see and feel as much as possible. i dont know what the future holds for me, and even when i want to have hope it doesnt feel possible. what can i do? what is there to be done but keep living.
when you think about idols, its all in the name isnt it. you want to be like them, at least to some degree - you want the freedom and the passion and the drive, to have something to keep going for. thats all i really want in this world, to have something to do. i need something to keep myself going. maybe my birthday will bring about something new, maybe ill find something to start really living for, if not life alone. the new year will bring new movies, new music, new things to see and feel and walk into. theres a new sun rising, and its shining light on everything in this world. for better and for worse, i guess.
later in the day. i called off of work after my episode, only to experience another one during the day off. my body was paralyzed, and i was only able to shake as my mind raced. i wanted to call out for help, but couldnt muster the strength to say anything to anyone besides my dad. it was extremely painful. i still feel the weight of that on my spine, the intense terror and pain that knot itself in the middle of my back and didnt let me move. im scared about it happening again, and having nobody able to help me or even touch me to calm me down. i also made a japanese white stew for dinner, and it was delicious. i used chicken thigh, baby gold potatoes, and multicolored baby carrots. it was a bit fatty, and the broth was not very clear or white, but i enjoyed it and ate two bowls. next time ill use chicken breast, and just cut it small to reduce the amount of fat runoff and to make it lighter.
8/7/24 social media is slowly killing me, and i keep coming back to think about what can be done for this site, and how i should work on it, but i still feel creatively stifled and unsure of myself. its hard to feel free when ive spent my whole life scared! i have so many options, and so much limitless freedom, and its overwhelming in its intensity. ive spent more time lately on more obscure sides of the web, and thinking about just how many people out there use the internet beyond social media, how many old sites and message boards and old games are left behind. its inspiring and depressing at the same time. im sure other people wonder if their sites and internet places will be found, used, appreciated, if theyre ever going to be again or if theyll just be left behind. im sure i dont really have to worry about things like that, but if you dont have a social media following in this day and age, the things you make will most likely end up remaining underground. i guess thats fine for me though, nothing suits me better than niche. ill have fun my own way. some short term plans for the site include a dedicated diary log, an art page (for others, not myself, not yet lol), and some more work on review pages and shrines.
7/14/24 this will be the first official "update" for this page, and its contents. i plan to treat this website like my own diary and personal informational archive; sharing updates from my life and information about the stuff i love, be it in review format or just a desperate throwaway to try and get somebody interested. ive become slowly interested in the pirating/old web culture, and my interest in any modern social media has waned as my frustration with censorship has grown. im a fan of pornography and old movies first and foremost, and this has been the driving point of my very small dvd collection. i enjoy dvds a lot, and as many other dvd collectors can attest to in this day and age, it feels incredible to hold something in your hands that you know for certain You Own; that you can watch as many times as you want and nobody can hide it behind a paywall. ive particularly enjoyed procuring dvds of obscure japanese shows, ones where i cannot even find torrents of them online. theres a very specific kind of selfish satisfaction in it, when i can watch something like that and know im probably one of hundreds in the world that still has dvds of it. im still learning how it would be possible for me to burn these dvds and create torrents of them, but i will when im able to.
i have numerous plans for both the look of this site and its various sidepages, and i promise with time itll look a lot better than it currently does; but i need an outlet more than anything, so thatll remain the focus for now and ill come back and tweak things as time goes on. primitivity can be exciting, can it not :)? enjoy the possibility of new things that look a little ugly and unpolished; theres not much of it left!
email me nurenure74432@proton.me 
